The decade between my 20th and 30th year was intense. Twenty-one, twenty-five, twenty-nine; seemed to pass in a whirlwind of broken hearts, confused choices and ever increasing self-esteem. This was the decade I learned who I was. It was also the decade I learned who I wasn't, was never going to be and absolutely refused to be.
During this time I discovered a wealth of information about myself. Some of it in the therapist's office, some of it from men, much of it from my parents and even more of it alone in my room with a piece of paper, an Alanis Morissette CD and a pen.
Looking back, I see that I was like a child in many ways. I was teetering on new found muscle and learning how to walk without the help of the strong arms of denial, self sabotage, love's embrace and self sacrifice. I was reaching towards and holding on to anything I could find to steady me, finding it useless and reaching out once again.
All at once it seemed I had learned to trust my own legs. I grew to like the idea of walking on my own terms and began to walk alone. As I wandered I found new ways to heal, to grow and different ways of relating to people, the world, and yes, to myself. I began to think that maybe, just maybe I didn't know everything, that things were not and had never been carved in stone.
I discovered to my absolute delight that life was unendingly malleable. With glee I saw that I could mould it and mould myself. I could also allow others to live in their own moulds and accept that.
The more I grew to understand myself the more tolerant I became of others. I learned to forgive my parents for the things I experienced as I child. I understood that parents are people just like me. That they struggled…just like me.
I am thirty-four now and those years seem so far away. Yet every day I watch people go through some of the same. Some struggle badly, others not so much, but I see so much pain, anger and so much growth. It's a bit like an orgasm you know, the twenties. You rise and fall and climb and climb until you get to the top and say…so this is what all the fuss was about? 😉
well then, that was beautiful of you to share. your heart is in a good place and i think it always will be.
HI CapeG,I loved your reflection it was wonderful now if you can only get my chidren to do the same as you I would die a happy Mom.You are a sweet daughter and woman, and I am sure your parents know how lucky they are.Thank you for sharing the gold that lays inside your heart.LoveEve
Thanks so much Trans and Eve for your kindnesses! You both are women with golden hearts! girl power.
Is a man allowed to join the conversation?I wonder what is happening. It seems that every time I visit your blog you have grown and developed. And perhaps you really have. You are young (younger than you think 😉 ) and you have the wish of growth in you.But I think that it may mostly be something else: That you are just showing more of what was already there. Because little by little you have found out what you can and will use your blog for and what you can and will use the community for. And now you are doing it.