I know I'm not being presumptious when I say I know that we all go through hard times. At best it's a "Bad Day", at worst there are episodes of confusion that can last for years. At times like these it can seem never ending. Later you'll know it was as temporary as everything else on this planet.
But I know we all have felt or will feel like bad times won't end. In 1999 someone very dear to me made a choice to no longer live through the hard times, to not seek answers and to no longer find a ray of hope in what was to him a very dark world.
This song (courtesy of Alanis Morrisette)is dedicated to him and that choice and to all of us who go through dark times. You'll pull through. Whatever it is.
"Joining You"
dear dar(lin') your mom (my friend) left a message on my machine she was frantic
saying you were talking crazy
that you wanted to do away with yourself
I guess she thought i'd be a perfect resort because we've had
this inexplicable connection since our youth
and yes they're in shock
they are panicked you and your chronic them and their drama
you this embarrassment us in the middle of this delusion
if we were our bodies
if we were our futures
if we were our defenses i'd be joining you
if we were our culture
if we were our leaders
if we were our denials i'd be joining you
I remember vividly a day years ago we were camping you knew more than you thought you should know
you said "I don't want ever to be brainwashed" and you were mindboggling you were intense
you were uncomfortable in your own skin you were thirsty but mostly you were beautiful
if we were our nametags
if we were our rejections
if we were our outcomes i'd be joining you
if we were our indignities
if we were our successes
if we were our emotions i'd be joining you
you and I we're like 4 year olds we want to know why and how come about everything
we want to reveal ourselves at will and speak our minds and never talk small and be intuitive
and question mightily and find god
my tortured beacon
we need to find like-minded companions
if we were their condemnations
if we were their projections
if we were our paranoias i'd be joining you
if we were our incomes
if we were our obsession
if we were our afflictions i'd be joining you
we need reflection we need a really good memory
feel free to call me a little more often
HI CG,Great song, words worth holding. May the darkness for some turn into light.loveEve
CapeGirl, that happens to be one of my favourite songs from 1999 (along with “The Couch” which is also on the same CD). It was a dark year for me too and it seemed to me like I passed the year in a fugue, there in body but not quite feeling the world around me. And it’s one of the reasons that I am glad to have put my 20’s behind me. I hope that your friend found the peace that he was seeking. The mind can be cruel and relentless.JCL.
The CouchYou hadn’t seen your father in such a long timehe died in the arms of his lover, how dare he?your mother never left the houseshe never married anyone elsehence you took it upon yourself to console heryou reminded her so much of your father so you were banishedand you wonder why you’re so hypersensitiveand why you can’t trust anyone but usbut then how can I begin to forgive her so many years under bridges with dirty watershe was foolish and selfish and cowardly if you ask meI don’t know where to begin in all of my 50 odd yearsI have been silently suffering and adapting, perpetuating and enduringwho are you younger generation to tell me that I have unresolved problemsNot many examples of fruits of this type of excruciating labourhow can you just throw words around like grief and heal and mournI feel fine we may not have been born as awake as you wereit was much harder in those days we had paper routes uphill both wayswe went from school to a job to a wife to instant parenthoodI walked into his office I felt so self-conscious on the couchhe was sitting down across from he was writing down his hypothesisI don’t know I’ve got a loving, supportive wife who doesn’t know how involved she should getYou say his interjecting was him just calling me on my shit?just the other day, my sweet daughter, I was driving past 203I walked up the stairs in my mind’s eye I remember how they would creak loudlyshe was only responsive with a drink, he was only responsive by photoI was only trying to be the best big brother that I couldI’ve walked sometimes confused sometimes ready to crack open widesometimes indignant sometimes rawcan you imagine I pay him 75 dollars an hour sometimesit feels like highway robberyand sometimes its peanutsI wish it could last a couple more hoursso here we both are battling similar demons (not coincidentally)you see in getting beyond knowing it solely intellectuallyyou’re not relinquishing your majestryyou are wise you are warm you are courageous you are bigand I love you more now than I ever have in my whole life- The Couch (Alanis Morissette)
Hi Cape.1999 was a special year for me. 2005 was not a good one, in general.Once, a student of mine (she’s Japanese and Buddhist), told me that we all are born under a fate that can be defined in circles of 5,7 or 9 years (5 is most common, 9 least common).I’m 100% sure my circles are fulfilled each 5 years. Some of these circles may be awesome or awful. It’s just a matter of time/circles.I’m sure that if this year, 2005, was not a good one for me, 2006 is the beginning of a wonderful new circle for me.I’m confident that your circles come along with mine.2006 will be great for both of us.Be well, my dear.Love,Dan