I'm not exactly sure when it happened. Perhaps it climbed slowly, in much the same way as honey might drip down a jar, or suddenly in the white heat of a startling moment of clarity. However, I do know what happened.
I decided that being right, didn't matter anymore.
In years gone by never was there a girl who enjoyed a good debate more than I. "X" or "Y"? "A, B, C or D"?
Bring it on, I'm your girl!
It might have been during an argument with a friend over something that didn't matter…an unfair accusation visited upon me that I sought to defend. The only thing I remember clearly was the impression that two people wrapt in debate seemed entirely foolish to me and that they'd be better of going for a long walk, eating cake or snoozing in the sun.
Initially, I still felt tempted to argue the point with people. This began to evolve into stating my feelings and walking away, declaring my intention to discontinue to conversation. I still had a few flare ups after that, and then one day I was just done with it for the most part. I think when people argue or debate, what they're really trying to do is one of three things:
1) Have their opinions validated.
2) Convince or persuade that person X should come over to their way of thinking.
3) Get somebody to listen to their feelings.
As a close fourth they might just be bashing you with random anger.
For me, the real question is:
Why?
Why are these three needs so important that you'll argue till your eyes bulge and the spit flies? This all seems very controlling to me at this point and I'd much rather get on with the business of living, if that's ok. If people don't agree with me, that's fine. If they do that's fine too. More important is what I think about what I think and even better, about what I do.
I've nothing against conversation, though, I truly love sharing thoughts feelings, ideas and opinions and it's so much better when that's what it is. If you're trying to WIN, however, when it comes to me, I've just stopped playing.
How about you?
p.s. as you’ll all likely know by now if it’s an issue of human or animal rights, i’m going to argue the justness of actions, if you’re somebody who is in violation of and can change them.this post is just to share feelings.
Hey MichelleI think you are right.A long walk with handfuls of cake in the sun is always better than arguing.Glad to see you. Imagining your voice.”When the broken hearted people living in the world agreeThere will be an answer,Let it be.”The Beatles are playing in the coffee shop….Peace.
I think you are wrong.
Seriously, it’s an interesting subject. I like to argue about politics a lot. I try to prove my points to the most people I can… because I’m truly convince that if everybody vote this way, the country will be better, the life for all of us.I stop very fast if the other doesn’t have good arguments. I like to debate ideas, if I notice they are just blind partisan it’s not the same anymore. I don’t think I need to “win” but the number 2 apply to me I guess.. (Convince or persuade that person X should come over to their way of thinking)Some subjects are more sensitive of course but most of the time I won’t argue about stuff that is not important. Unlike many people I see around me, arguing about stupid things. ( I don’t have a good example in mind right now)
Some argue to prove apoint, some argue because they believe they are good at it, some are just voicing different opinions, some feel more strongly than others do. But face it? Wouldnt life be a little boring if we always agreed with each other?
Hi Capegirl, I’ve seen you around the block so I decided to comment on your blog. It seems your name is Michelle, so then…. Hi Michelle!I’m with you most of the way and I really applaud you for taking this position. It’s a tricky one to take as it flies in the face of our impulse to be right.I agree that arguing is pointless, although sometimes important to restore a power imbalance in a relationship. Debate is probably more pointless as its sole purpose seems to be to shower your opponent with arguments while going lalalalala when they’re talking. There aren’t many debates that lead to anything at all.However, while those are true, exchanging opinions per se is not necessarily a bad thing. Dialogue is a beautiful thing. I think skillfully listening to the other party is the best way of making them open up to my perspectives. So if I take the time to really inquire into where they’re coming from, I can communicate with them in a much more skillful way. Sometimes people are wrong. And if we’re skilled enough as communicators to genuinely plant a seed of doubt (you can never change their mind completely right there and then), then I say so be it.Damn, you said the exact same thing at the end of your post. I must not be paying attention. Haha, how ironic. Well, I’ll press submit anyway.Nice photo by the way. Is that you?Eivind
Exactly! Mostly, when people start to convince you to their point of view, they are usually talking to themselves, enjoying in the sound of their own voice 🙂 One writer said long time ago: “If people would speak only about the things they really know, this world will be overwhelmed by a strange silence” – sorry if this is not translated properly…:-)
Hello Everybody!I enjoyed reading everybody’s comments, some that agreed some that partly agreed, some that disagreed..so let me clarify my opinion.I didn’t say that I thought we should all agree. Yes life would be very boring and we’d never be prompted to grow if we all agreed. Let me also clarify what I meant by “arguing/debate”.This phrase here:”Why are these three needs so important that you’ll argue till your eyes bulge and the spit flies?”i’m sure you’ve all been there or witnessed this.Person A, makes a point-person B disagrees, then they argue THE POINT until the sun rises the next morning, a vicious argument. At this stage as Darko and Eivind said, nobody is listening anymore, just formulating a response while the other is still talking.They’re going A against B. Not topic against topic or even trying to hear the other side. They’re just arguing to WIN, very, very often, as though just because they think it, feel it, it must be RIGHT. There are as many “rights” as there are people and I think humanity is far too complex to ask any person to substitute your reality for their own. Why should they? Perhaps it suits them more to believe what they do, just as it does you.Sure both parties think they’re RIGHT and from where they’re sat they are. Which is fine. But since it’s an OPINION there are no rights and wrongs as far as I’m concerned.Sure they might be “wrong”. Are you going to change everybody’s mind, just because you said so?(see note about animal and childrens rights even govt. etc. where there are obvious ways to treat living beings that are beneficial and may therefore be touted as “right”.)I’ve nothing against contrary opinions, in fact, I love them, i enjoy talking where there are differing viewpoints. By all means I will engage in all sorts of topics where opposing views are being expressed. If you know me well, you’ll know this is very much a feature of my personality.It’s about the anger and agression that accompanies these arguments. I’ve decided that I want no part in it. When I see somebody get all clenched in the shoulders and pinched in the mouth, I walk away. If you want to have a CONVERSATION, by all means call me! :)I think my main idea with this post, was that there is a difference between communication and arguing, a big difference. Communication is about expressing feelings. listening to ideas, learning, sharing. Arguing is about winning, plain and simple. And I don’t think that, that is where true change lies.I’m more than happy to hear people as I’d love that they hear me, but when people get all insulty and aggressive during a conversation, it’s an attack on a person not a topic.I used to argue about politics a lot, nature, childrens rights, social decay. I found it very draining in the end and personally feel I might use that energy better to actually DO something about it, besides talk. It’s just my personal choice. After our argument we’ll go home and be too tired to actually DO anything the next day, or if we’re lucky we’ve been inspired to change something…but for how long?I also find it bothersome that many people talk but aren’t really LIVING their opinions as in:”You can say whatever you want, its a democracy, you stupid effing asshole!”:faint:Unless, as I said, you’re in a position of power and changing your mind will affect an outcome on this level. Yes, we’re ALL in a position of power, but I’d be better spending my time helping the environment practically, rather than lecturing 50 people about recylcing-that quite possibly won’t ever listen. (again, yes some MIGHT listen) but while 2 hear me, 48 didn’t and I have my own cans to recycle. Even if 50 heard me, I’d still have my own bottles going unrecycled. and yes, I’ve put in my hours doing Environmental Education. It’s a good thing, but there’s a thing called balance.I’d rather use the remaining energy to sort my own cans and bottles. I am only one human and can only do so much. Ideally I’d be doing it all, but I only have so much energy, and I’m realistic about that. I think my main point is we can’t do it all and too many arguments like these might lead to paralysis in our own lives. The paralysis of MAKING points rather than living them.and again, this was just an opinion and therefore not carved in stone-even for me. I just don’t hold onto things that tightly anymore. I don’t look good when I swagger. (i’m RIGHT damn you, I’M bloody RIGHT!) 😆
i’ll add that I like to think I’m talking to a person not an ego.did you see how I sneakily got you all thinking about recycling?:lol:eivind it is me in the picture.darko, that was translated well, i think! good point.hitesha, thanks for visiting, nice to see you here.martin some stuff is really stupid fodder for conversations, like did Michael Jackson really do it? (of course he did, he told us he was BAD and said he wasn’t like the other guys)Dillon, yes we need to allow people to be who they are, then try and change them! 😆 just kidding.
You have a lot of good topics inside that mind, I cannot resist to make a comment sometimes 🙂
please feel free to say whatever you like, that’s very important to me, here on this blog…that people feel they can talk about whatever they want. thanks for the e-mail address. i will e-mail soon. i have yoga now and then dinner. i hope later tonight will be quieter! hope you’re doing ok, too 🙂
I only argue because I’m right.
of course you are. so am i.hee.:D
Oh all right. Let’s not argue about it.:pingu:
it’s the Penguin of Peace! 🙂
It’s Nelson Mandella’s bodyguard while he’s sunbathing on the beach.
I totally agree with you, sister! I used to be like that too, about certain things like animal abuse, etc. Until I realized it was completely useless. I realized I was just getting unnecessarily angry (like if I need to put wood on the fire). So I Stopped. I know how I think and that`s good enough for me. 😉
i think we change more by being quiet and doing things :)unless we have a talk show, like Oprah. she can change the world by talking.
Exactly.Doing things is the best example.